


5 Times Jim Gave Bones an Order

by Headfulloffantasies



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1, Alien Pets, Captain Kirk - Freeform, Fluff, Humor, Shenanigans, bad coffee habits, southern slang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23400808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headfulloffantasies/pseuds/Headfulloffantasies
Summary: As captain Jim gives a lot of orders. Bones isn't always happy to comply.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32
Collections: Fics_to_make_me_smile





	5 Times Jim Gave Bones an Order

1.  
Normally, Bones’ strange Southern sayings were endearing. But after the one time Jim asked him to tone it down, Bones took it as a challenge and ramped up the drawl.

“In a pig’s eye.”

“Bless his heart, the rest of him is worthless.”

“The porch light is on but nobody’s home.”

“Slap me twice and hand me to my mama.”

Jim was dying. He was suffocating under the weight of all the turns of phrases.

After a long and grueling ordeal transporting an Andorian ambassador and his wife, Jim pulled Bones aside. 

“Tell me what you really think of the ambassador?” Jim requested.  
Bones sneered. “I wouldn’t cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire.”

Jim groaned.

“Who licked the red off your candy?” Bones asked. 

“No more colloquialisms, that’s an order.”

“You can’t order me how to talk, that’s discrimination.”

2.  
Jim and Bones huddled behind separate crates as Klingon phaser fire rained down. 

“How can one guy shoot so fast?” Jim asked.

“Jim!” Bones waved a Klingon phaser from his hiding spot.

Relief flooded Jim. 

“Shoot him, that’s an order!” Jim shouted.

“I can’t,” Bones ground out.

“Shoot him or he shoots us!”

Bones stood. 

Jim’s stomach clenched. 

Bones spun the Klingon phaser in his hand and threw it, end over end, at the attacker. It nailed the Klingon right between the eyes. The Klingon dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Jim dove from his cover and fell on the Klingon, knocking aside his weapon and pinning his hands. It didn’t matter. The Klingon had lost consciousness when his head connected with the weapon Bones had literally yeeted at him. Go figure. Jim snapped a pair of cuffs on the Klingon.

Bones crept out of his hiding spot, his face ashen.

“Bones I gave you an order.” Jim grunted. 

“And I took an oath,” Bones bit back. “Never to end any lives. I broke it once, I’ll never do it again.”

3.  
The weird mass of furry tentacles undulating in Bones’ arms gave Jim a warning growl when he tried to pet it.

“Say hello to Rosa!” Bones beamed. Pink and purple arms waved sedately. 

Paranoia clawed up Jim’s back. “It’s not going to kill us in our sleep, is it?”

Bones scowled. “Don’t be such a baby. She’s harmless.”

Jim groaned. “Alien pets are not allowed on board, Bones.”

“Not a pet,” Bones argued. “I’ve sanctioned her as a medical research animal. Cuddles are just a side effect.”

“If I make it an order, will you get rid of it?” Jim rubbed at his forehead.

Bones narrowed his eyes. “Just try it, boy.”

4.  
Bones was wearing a T-shirt. Bones was wearing a T-shirt on the bridge. Bones was wearing a T-shirt on the bridge that read in big bold letters “Space Slut”. 

He’d completed the look with a pair of ridiculously huge dark sunglasses and flowered Hawaiian swim trunks. 

Chekov fell out of his seat howling with laughter. Sulu smothered his giggles in his control panel. Uhura wolf whistled.

Bones cocked a hip. “Happy Birthday Jim.”

Jim’s grin spread from ear to ear. “Thank you Doctor McCoy,” he teased. “Doctor McCoy, you are out of uniform.”

“Yessir!” Bones snapped an insolent salute.

“Doctor McCoy, your punishment for breaking regulation is to report to engineering at nineteen hundred hours for the party and drinks.”

“Yessir!” Bones grinned.

“Now take that off, that’s an order.”

“Never on a first date.”

5.  
“Captain?” Nurse Chapel’s hesitant voice crackled over Jim’s communicator. 

He fumbled it in his haste to answer. “Yes?”

“You’re needed in the medbay. Dr. McCoy is… um, you better come see.”

Jim snapped the comm shut and ran, full tilt to the lift. 

The medbay doors didn’t open fast enough. Jim clipped his shoulder as he threw himself into the white walled room. 

Nurse Chapel looked up in alarm. 

“Where is he?” Jim gasped.

Chapel pointed mutely at Bones’ office. 

Worry rose in Jim’s gut. Too many times he’d found his friends hurt or in despair. He wasn’t sure he could face it right now. Jim swallowed hard. He slammed his hand on the door command. It slid open. 

Bones jumped. He sat at his desk, eyes wider than an owl’s. 

“Jim?”

“What did you do?” Jim demanded, towering over Bones.

Bones frowned, eyes flickering between Jim and his workstation. “Nothing?”

Jim’s gaze roved over Bones, searching for hidden injuries. Nothing seemed wrong, but Bones’ breath came fast and his foot tapped spasmodically on the floor. 

“Chapel called me,” Jim explained.

Bones hissed. He stood and marched to the door. 

“Leave me alone, woman!” Bones yelled.

“Go to sleep!” Chapel shouted back.

More than a few patients jumped at the outburst.

Bones slammed the door shut again, paced back to his desk, stopped, and skittered over to the coffee machine gurgling in the corner.

“Bones?” Jim watched the jittery movements of his friend. “When did you last sleep?”

Bones shrugged jerkily. “Work to do,” he excused. He filled a coffee mug to the brim and downed the contents while Jim watched in horror.

“How many coffees have you had?” Jim asked.

“It’s in the low twenties.” 

Jim’s heart seized in sympathy. “Are you kidding me?”

“What? I used to do this in college.” Bones turned back to the work at his desk. Jim noted the way Bones’ knee bounced.

“That was twenty years ago.”

Bones scowled. “I’m not that old.” As if to prove himself, he got up and refilled his mug again.

Jim snatched the mug away. “No more caffeine, that’s an order.”

“You can’t stop me,” Bones growled. He scuttled over to the coffee pot and clutched it close. “If I want to drop dead of a heart attack, that’s my prerogative.”

Jim sighed. “You do know I’m your captain, right?”

“Yes, but I’m insubordinate.”

+1  
“Jim!”

Jim leaped a foot in the air and took off running. The poor ensign he’d been speaking with watched with her mouth hanging open as the captain was chased off the bridge by the chief medical officer.

Jim ran all the way to the cafeteria before his wheezing lungs urged him to stop. He spotted Spock crossing the mostly empty room with a tray of food. 

Jim zipped over. “Hide me!”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

“James Tiberius Kirk!” 

“Too late,” Jim moaned. 

Bones stomped over. Jim hid behind Spock.

“Spock, move,” Bones demanded, his eyes never leaving Jim’s.

“Spock, stay here, that’s an order,” Jim countered. Spock remained rigid. 

“Do we have to do this every year?” Bones asked. “It’s one physical exam. You’ve had dozens of exams in the last six months, why is this so hard?”

Bones made to grab Jim. Jim danced around Spock in the opposite direction. Bones lunged. Jim dodged. Spock didn’t engage, except to raise his tray above their scrambling limbs. 

“It’s a medical order, Jim,” Bones growled. “You and I both have to comply.”

“In that case,” Jim ducked another attempt to grab him. “I relieve you of duty.”

“And I declare you mentally unfit for service,” Bones snapped. 

A hand that did not belong to Bones landed on Jim’s shoulder. He froze. Spock looked down on him impassively. “I believe the doctor has the logical high ground in this matter,” Spock said. 

“Betrayed,” Jim moaned melodramatically as Spock passed Jim over to Bones. “Stabbed in the back by my own first officer.”

“Shut up, you loony,” Bones grumbled.

**Author's Note:**

> This might have been a bit OOC, but I've always loved Bones who doesn't give a rip about procedure or formalities.


End file.
